The Odyssey Baked in 30 Minutes
by eventualgenie
Summary: The Odyssey by Homer is a well known epic. But is his version how it really went? This is my interpretation of what really happened, hehe. I wrote this and made a movie of it for a class assignment.
1. Scene 1

A/N: The Odyssey by Homer is a well known epic. But is his version how it really went? This is my interpretation of what really happened, hehe. I wrote this and made a movie of it for a class assignment, I think you guys will be as amused as, if not more than, my teacher was. This is my first submission so please do R&R :D thankie much. More coming soon, if you guys like it.

The Odyssey Baked in 30 Minutes

FADE IN: DAY EXT. TROY: THREE OR FOUR MEN ARE SEEN PUSHING THE TROJAN HORSE TOWARDS A NEARBY GATE. AFTER PUSHING THE HORSE CLOSE ENOUGH, THE MEN RUN OFF SCREEN. THE DOOR OPENS AND THREE MEN PEER OUT. AFTER MUCH INSPECTION, THE HORSE IS BROUGHT INSIDE THE WALLS AND THE DOORS ARE CLOSED

NIGHT INT. TROY: THE HORSE IS SEEN RESTING NEXT TO ONE OF THE WALLS. SUDDENLY, THE BACK OF THE HORSE OPENS AND MEN BEGIN POURING OUT. CUE SOUNDS OF BATTLE. FADE OUT. CUE "O FORTUNA" TECHNO MUSIC.

OPENING CREDITS.

Blind Bard Pictures Presents

A Wandering Production

**The Odyssey by Homer (Sorta)**

FADE MUSIC. FADE IN: DAY EXT. WILDERNESS. ODYSSEUS STANDS TRIUMPHANT AMONG HIS MEN. 

ODYSSEUS: Behold men! We are victorious! (**CHEERS)** But before we may return home, we must sacrifice to the gods.

ENTER SENOMENATUS.

SENOMENATUS: _whisper_ Um, sir? We don't have any meat or wine offerings to sacrifice to the gods.

ODYSSEUS: _flabbergasted_ What? No meat or wine? Hmmmmmm… just sacrifice Senomenatus then.

SENOMENATUS STARTS TO WALK AWAY THEN STOPS SUDDENLY.

SENOMENATUS: Wait I'm Seno…

THE MEN RUN AFTER AND JUMP ON TOP OF SENOMENATUS.

CUT TO: CLOUDY AREA DAY. POSIDEON STANDS WITH FISTS SHAKING.

POSIDON: Odysseus! (ANGRILY AND DRAWN OUT)

FADE OUT.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: The Odyssey by Homer is a well known epic. But is his version how it really went? This is my interpretation of what really happened, hehe. I wrote this and made a movie of it for a class assignment, I think you guys will be as amused as, if not more than, my teacher was. This is my first submission so please do R&R :D thankie much. More coming soon, if you guys like it.

FADE IN. DAY EXT. SHIP CLOSE UP. ODYSSEUS STANDS POSING ATOP HIS SHIP.

ODYSSEUS: Men, I don't think we have enough loot from the sacking of Troy. What say we attack the smallest richest town in the surrounding area?

MEN HUNDLE NEAR ODYESSEUS AND RUB THEIR HANDS GREEDILY.

MEN: Yes, that sounds good. Sounds very good.

ODYSSEUS: Right then, sail for that small island over there.

LACKY #2: (OFF SCREEN) We are already there sir!

ODYSSEUS: (PULL OUT) Oh, so we are.

ODYSSEUS JUMPS FROM HIS SHIP ONTO THE LAND BELOW FOLLOWED BY HIS MEN. SOUNDS OF BATTLE FOLLOW. ODYSSEUS AND MEN COME BACK INTO VIEW CARRYING LOOT. THEY BOARD THE SHIP AND GO TEARING OFF. ENTER CICONES WIELDING SPEARS.

CUT TO: EXT. DAY ISLAND. MEN WANDER AMONGST SEVERAL INDIVIDUALS LAYING LAZILY ON THE GROUND CHEWING ON GREEN STUFF. ONE MAN LEANS DOWN TO SAMPLE. CUE GROOVY MUSIC. COMES UP WITH HEAVY EYES AND LARGE SMILES. OTHER MEN SAMPLE. ALL FALL TO GROUND AMONGST RABBLE.

CUT TO: EXT. DAY SHIP. ODYSSEUS LOOK TO SETTING SUN. WANDERS OFF SCREEN WITH TWO OF HIS MEN.

CUT TO: EXT. DAY ISLAND. THE MEN STILL LAY CHEWING ON THE GROUND. ENTER ODYSSEUS AND MEN. FADE MUSIC. ODYSSEUS PICKS UP ONE OF THE MEN.

ODYESSEUS: What do you men think you are doing? I sent you on a simple recon mission.

DRUGGIE MAN: (LAYING ON GROUND) Hey man, don't be trampling that guys rights. He's just enjoying the local natures splendor. Here, have some.

MAN HANDS ODYSSEUS SOME OF THE GREEN STUFF. HE SAMPLE A SMALL BIT. TASTE OF SAMPLE SURPRISES ODYSSEUS. HE BEGINS TO MUNCH THE STUFF DOWN. HIS TWO MEN GRAB HIM AND BEGIN TO FORCE HIM OFF SCREEN.

ODYSSEUS: Hey, no. Let me sample the peril!

GUARD: No sir, it is too perilous!

CUT TO: EXT. DAY DRUG REHAB CLINIC. FADE IN MUSIC. HOLD SHOT. FADE OUT MUSIC.

CUT TO: EXT. DAY CYCLOPS ISLAND. ODYSSEUS AND MEN WANDER AMONGST THE LOCAL FOLIAGE.

LACKY #3: (FADE IN AUDIO) The world as we know it is incorrect. The place is round.

ODYSSEUS: Interesting though man, but what proof do you have?

LACKY #3: Oh yeah, proof! SMACKS HEAD Proof!

ODYSSEUS AND MEN APPROACH A LARGE CAVE.

ODYSSEUS: Oh look, this looks to be the home of some giant being. Lets go in and have some of his food. He won't mind.

ODYSSEUS AND MEN ENTER CAVE.

CUT TO: INT. CAVE. ODYSSEUS AND MEN SIT AMONGST REMAINS OF VARIOUS CHEESES AND EMPTY WINE BOTTLES. THEY BELCH AND PARTY AMONGST THE DEBRIE. ENTER POLYPHEMUS.

POLYPHEMUS: Who the hades are you people?

ODYSSEUS: Greetings, we are just humble travelers. You of course understand that proper etiquette (PULLS OUT SCROLL, READS FROM) requires that you feed us and bathe us.

POLYPHEMUS: Does it now? Well not in this home.

POLYPHEMUS GRABS SEVERAL OF ODYSSEUS'S MEN. CUT TO SCENES FROM SEVERAL ZOMBIE FILMS. CUT BACK TO INT. CAVE.

POLYPHEMUS: Ah, you have trained some very tasty men. But what have you to drink? I may spare you for a time if you quench my thirst.

ODYSSEUS: Her sir of great girth. (HANDS POLYPHEMUS GATORADE) This should sate you dry tongue. If it does please you sir and you wish for more, please just ask for Nobody.

POLYPHEMUS SLOPPILY DRINKS DOWN THE DRINK AND BELCHES NOISELY. HE THEN TURNS OVER AND PROMPTLY FALLS ASLEEP. CUE SNORING. ODYSSEUS RETURNS TO HIS REMAINING MEN.

ODYSSEUS: Quick men, he can't hold his liquor.Quick, take this stick (HANDS MEN A STICK) and sharpen it at one end. Then put the end in this fire here and we can blind the fat ass over there.

THE MEN PROCEED TO DO SO. THE MEN HAND ODYSSEUS THE FLAMING STICK. ODYSSEUS BEGINS TO CHARGE TOWARDS THE GIANTS EYE. CUE CHARIOTS OF FIRE MUSIC. ODYSSEUS STABS THE CYCLOPS IN THE EYE AFTER A LONG RUNNING SCENE. POLYPHEMUS SCREAMS. THE MEN HIGH FIVE AND CHEER!

POLYPHEMUS: Ah! Nobody has blinded me! The pain! Nobody has blinded me! Wait a minute, that makes no sense. Oh well, the pain! The pain! I'll get you nobody!

LACKY #4: Odysseus, how will we get out the cave? The giant guards the only exit!

SHOW POLYPHEMUS SWAYING ARMS IN FRONT OF LARGE CAVE ENTRANCE. RIDIULOUSLY LARGE CAVE ENTRANCE. CLOSE UP ODYSSEUS'S FACE. HE IS THINKING HARD, REALLY HARD. CUT TO SHEEP. CUT TO ODYSSEUS'S FACE. CONTINUE SIX MORE TIMES. SHOW RECOGNITION IN ODYSSEUS'S FACE.

ODYSSEUS: Quick men! The sheep!

ODYSSEUS AND MEN RUN FOR THE SHEEP. ONE MAN DROP PANTS AS HE APPROACHES. ANOTHER MAN STOPS HIM.

MAN ONE: They are for disguises. Disguises.

MAN TWO: (FALSLY) I knew that, I had to take a piss.

SHOW MEN WALKING PAST POLYPHEMUS WEARING COTTON COATS. CUT TO SHIP. MEN RUSH ABOARD STILL WEARING THEIR COTTON COSTUMES. CUT TO POLYPHEMUS RUSHES OUT OF CAVE. CUT TO ODYSSEUS CLOSE UP.

ODYSSEUS: Polyphemus! It wasn't just anybody who blinded you this day. It was I, Odysseus! Neener, neener!

CUT TO POLYPHEMUS PICKING UP PEBBLES. HE BEGINS HUCKING THEM OFF SCREEN. CUT TO ODYSSUES AND MEN ABOARD SHIP DUCKING UNDER THROWN PILLOWS, JUNK, ROCKS, ETC.

CUT TO: FOOTAGE OF SHIPS SAILING. HOLD SHOT. POSSIBLE SALIOR MUSIC. FADE OUT.


End file.
